FYI: Divorce, from a biblical perspective, is a bad thing and it is rather sharp about the few things it does say about it. In short, it should be avoided when and if at all possible.
That said, when I read something he had written about it, I left a comment and two comments later, I had him on the phone. We talked for a while and I listened to him tell me the entire story of how this came about.
In this case, it was not possible to avoid because, simply put, the decisions in a marriage require two people to make them. Period. He had done everything he could to be at peace with his wife and work through issues, but it seems that she will have none of this.
Listening to him and sharing my thoughts led us down many a path of discussion and I think I will highlight some of these things.
COMMUNITY IS IMPORTANT
I admit, I'm not always seeking community, but it is important. To explain how important it is, I told my friend on the phone that I wanted to give him a hug and it brought a groundswell of emotion forward. He remembered how, when he was involved with a particular ministry a few years back that he was surrounded by fellow laborers in the Kingdom, but more importantly friends. There was love in the Body and we experienced that. There's nothing like being loved by other members of the Kingdom of God and my offer to give him a hug and drive to his house (if I had a car) was a clear reminder of that love. It had been a while since he experienced that and, although I would not have wished for it in this way, he will now have free time to assess situations and spend him time bathing in the love his friends have for him as he attempts to move forward from this mess. For this, I am happy.
LOVE IS A GOAL, NOT A FAULT
He wondered about why he had spent his time loving someone that didn't love him. Was he stupid? Crazy? Deluded? My answer was this:
No, you weren't any of those. You were Christlike. Love does just that: it loves. Usually without a single thought to what it will receive in return. It does not make you bad to do something we are commanded biblically to do. It does not make you a bad person because you loved someone more than they loved you back. Love can only be given and usually with no guarantee that the ones we give it to will return it no matter what form the love takes. Your love is not wrong because it wasn't returned. You are not wrong because you loved someone and they didn't love you back. You are wonderful.
It's true. A lot of us feel that way: maybe if I had done something else... or worse Why don't they love me the way I love them? or worst of all Maybe I shouldn't have loved them because they didn't love me back... No no no no no. Mind you, I think that a person should spend most of their time with people that return love to them, but don't think for a moment that your love is worthless if it doesn't come back to you. Some people don't know how to receive it. Some people don't know how to return it. I reiterated to him:
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT SHE DIDN'T LOVE YOU BACK. No one alive can control - and thereby be responsible for - anyone's response to love being demonstrated in front of them. That doesn't make your love invalid. That said, keep loving. Keep loving. Keep loving.
THE MINISTRY OF PRESENCE
You know, my friend didn't need me to preach to them. They needed laughter and warmth. You know what didn't come out of my mouth?
- "let me pray for you"
- bible verses of any kind
- "i guess you're going to have to get over it and move on"
I didn't even try to offer a way to fix anything. I gave him the one thing I knew I had: me. I'm his friend and that's what friends do. I let him talk. I listened to his voice almost break several times. I told him that if I had a car, I'd come to his house. I told him he should see me soon.
I told him I wanted to give him a hug as soon as I could.
Note this well folks: this. is. how. you. impact. lives. Sometimes, the only thing you need to be is there. You meet people where their needs are and you love them.
Do you hear me? LOVE THEM. Don't tell them about Jesus. Don't tell them about your church. Don't tell them about how good God has been to you. Be Jesus to them right then and there.
Isn't that the point?
Mind you, I believe that prayer is important. I believe knowing the Word and applying it to everyday life is important. I believe that talking about the good things God is doing is good and important, but in times of sorrow people don't need to hear anything. They need to experience the joy and peace and love we are talking about and if all we can do is point to it, then we aren't worth much.
The fact is that the world (and God for that matter) could care less about the PR we're putting on the Kingdom. God's idea is to get you into situations where He can use your relationships and actions to make Himself more clearly known in the world. No, not by our interactions with strangers (which is also a factor), but our interactions with the people that see us day in and day out living our lives when we aren't in a church setting or some other spiritual high which, by the way, is a lot harder to maintain. Who am I talking about?
- the friend who always seems to be in yet another breakup
- the friend that needed that $10 for gas... again
You know... the people you would rather ignore because they're just annoying sometimes (just being truthful here).
In sum, be a friend to someone. A real friend. You would be surprised how many Christians believe they have no friends in this world (WTF... yes, I said it) when we're supposed to be a Body. That's nonsense and if it hasn't ended yet, it's ending with everyone in my influence.
What about you?
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