Turn

The last couple of years have been very educational and beneficial, but today I have the darker sides of those lessons on my mind.

On my mind right now is an apology. I'm sorry that work, paying bills, exercise, games, social interaction, understanding myself, choosing between job options, caring for other people, minimalism, my own personal goals (reading and so on) have been given so large a place in my life while God and my daily conversation with him has become subtext.

No, not entirely forgotten; how could I forget or even fail to recognize His whispers in every breath of the wind. However, that's not enough. Yes, I'm a kind person. Yes, I'm a good friend. Yes, I point people to God if they ask me (and I should hope with my very breathing).

However, that's not enough.

Sometimes, God uses the simplest things to make my lack known to me. This time, as with every other time, it was just a taste of joy. I sat in the bus and I saw myself at home on my back porch speaking out my feelings to Him and for a few intense minutes, that was all I wanted.

Right now, all I want is the space to do that. That led me to this. I want to ask for guidance with this job decision, but as I think about this, I can't escape the following thought of, "Why now?"

That nagging thought that you shouldn't ask God for something if you aren't maintaining your part in the relationship properly. I'm ignoring that feeling for now, but even so, past that foolish thought is a God who is persistent in quietly demanding my focus amid the clamor of bills, boxes and cats.

I'm thankful for that now.