Two Versions of Me

Finding Christian community is a struggle for some and definitely for me. It's not because the church is a bad thing; the church isn't bad at all.

It is, however, hard to be myself in.

I find this odd because it is recent. When I was a young Christian (almost 14 years now), I went to a college that was primarily Christian. I had a lot to learn and a lot of great experiences and teachers. I knew that the "real world" wasn't like this, but that was okay as I needed nurturing and time both of which I had.

After that, I moved into a world where people were more open about drinking, smoking, partying, and not really caring about others or God. One unsure step after another, I had to make my way through those things and making relationships with people from every camp of life there could be. There are a lot of weird people out here, but they are also very cool.

Fast forward a few years and I'm 32 at the time of this writing. I find myself in a weird spot of trying to understand and rediscover Christian community. I like church when I go, but that's not what I'm talking about here. What I'm talking about here is the way that this makes you into two people.

On the one hand, you go to church and you talk to people. You have pretty significant struggles, but you don't mention them because you get a blinding spotlight shone in your face in the form of biblical quotes. I'm not saying there isn't a place for that, but I've learned that it's not every other word in conversation.

Seriously, it isn't.

So you walk into church and, as long as you talk about Jesus and give the appropriate answers at the appropriate time, you're good. You learn that, while you can have a few christian friends for this sort of thing, the church at large is not a good place to ask questions about the world or reality you are dealing with; no one wants to be bothered with all of your questions about everything or get their hands dirty with your struggles. It's easier to just get prayed for and be delivered (which can be a very real thing and appropriate as God leads).

Most times, I just want to sit down and talk about my real life - the good, bad, and terrible - with someone, but church isn't a good place for that. Not when you're responded to with "The joy of the Lord is your strength" or "This is the day that the Lord has made".

On the other hand, I have these friends who are not Christians and don't care to be (although they are becoming more drawn to it through me and mostly in spite of me). However, they are wonderfully non-judgmental when I talk to them about my issues with varying things. We can say things are frustrating and they just say, "you know what, it really is. Here's what happened with me one time. If I can help you in a practical way, let me know. I'll hang out with you/pick you up/drop you off" etc. They let me be not-okay for a while sometimes because they understand that all of my feelings are not joyous and that life is hard to deal with sometimes. They identify with the moment I'm in without immediately trying to extract me from it.

Sometimes, I need that and God bless the few Christians I've met that have done this kind of thing, but it isn't common.

Eventually, this experience on a consistent basis leads me to be a person that:

• goes to church for prayer, the occasional christian high, and to learn about the Bible and Jesus and enjoy a moment's respite from a world that seems to be entirely against me at times.
• talks to his non-christian, "worldly" friends for my actual issues.

This is where I hit my stumbling block. In my head, this is illogical. I can't talk to my non-worldly friends about spiritual things because they don't "get it", but I feel more comfortable with them in my times of struggle than I do with the church at large. When I go to church, I should be able to handle everything there. I mean, I believe the verse is "cast all of your cares upon Him for He cares for you".

But I can't. I don't know how to be a part of this community even though I enjoy it. It's the most awkward family reunion possible. I hear you saying that you welcome me, but I don't know how to tell you about the things I've struggled with or been through without feeling like it will immediately be trivialized by a bible quote. I need people that will walk with me, not hand me a hastily-scribbled doctor's note and move on to another topic.

It ends up being a very lonely place; you can't be in the church because your struggle seems beyond discussion but you don't belong in the world because you don't share their values, either. Personally, it's this sort of thing: while I can't talk to the church about what I think about alcohol, I don't identify with my friends that think strip clubs are cool places to hang out. Most times, because of this, I end up alone.

So where do I find this community thing? Where do you find it? How do we become that for each other? The comments are yours.