Two Versions of Me

Finding Christian community is a struggle for some and definitely for me. It's not because the church is a bad thing; the church isn't bad at all.

It is, however, hard to be myself in.

I find this odd because it is recent. When I was a young Christian (almost 14 years now), I went to a college that was primarily Christian. I had a lot to learn and a lot of great experiences and teachers. I knew that the "real world" wasn't like this, but that was okay as I needed nurturing and time both of which I had.

After that, I moved into a world where people were more open about drinking, smoking, partying, and not really caring about others or God. One unsure step after another, I had to make my way through those things and making relationships with people from every camp of life there could be. There are a lot of weird people out here, but they are also very cool.

Fast forward a few years and I'm 32 at the time of this writing. I find myself in a weird spot of trying to understand and rediscover Christian community. I like church when I go, but that's not what I'm talking about here. What I'm talking about here is the way that this makes you into two people.

On the one hand, you go to church and you talk to people. You have pretty significant struggles, but you don't mention them because you get a blinding spotlight shone in your face in the form of biblical quotes. I'm not saying there isn't a place for that, but I've learned that it's not every other word in conversation.

Seriously, it isn't.

So you walk into church and, as long as you talk about Jesus and give the appropriate answers at the appropriate time, you're good. You learn that, while you can have a few christian friends for this sort of thing, the church at large is not a good place to ask questions about the world or reality you are dealing with; no one wants to be bothered with all of your questions about everything or get their hands dirty with your struggles. It's easier to just get prayed for and be delivered (which can be a very real thing and appropriate as God leads).

Most times, I just want to sit down and talk about my real life - the good, bad, and terrible - with someone, but church isn't a good place for that. Not when you're responded to with "The joy of the Lord is your strength" or "This is the day that the Lord has made".

On the other hand, I have these friends who are not Christians and don't care to be (although they are becoming more drawn to it through me and mostly in spite of me). However, they are wonderfully non-judgmental when I talk to them about my issues with varying things. We can say things are frustrating and they just say, "you know what, it really is. Here's what happened with me one time. If I can help you in a practical way, let me know. I'll hang out with you/pick you up/drop you off" etc. They let me be not-okay for a while sometimes because they understand that all of my feelings are not joyous and that life is hard to deal with sometimes. They identify with the moment I'm in without immediately trying to extract me from it.

Sometimes, I need that and God bless the few Christians I've met that have done this kind of thing, but it isn't common.

Eventually, this experience on a consistent basis leads me to be a person that:

• goes to church for prayer, the occasional christian high, and to learn about the Bible and Jesus and enjoy a moment's respite from a world that seems to be entirely against me at times.
• talks to his non-christian, "worldly" friends for my actual issues.

This is where I hit my stumbling block. In my head, this is illogical. I can't talk to my non-worldly friends about spiritual things because they don't "get it", but I feel more comfortable with them in my times of struggle than I do with the church at large. When I go to church, I should be able to handle everything there. I mean, I believe the verse is "cast all of your cares upon Him for He cares for you".

But I can't. I don't know how to be a part of this community even though I enjoy it. It's the most awkward family reunion possible. I hear you saying that you welcome me, but I don't know how to tell you about the things I've struggled with or been through without feeling like it will immediately be trivialized by a bible quote. I need people that will walk with me, not hand me a hastily-scribbled doctor's note and move on to another topic.

It ends up being a very lonely place; you can't be in the church because your struggle seems beyond discussion but you don't belong in the world because you don't share their values, either. Personally, it's this sort of thing: while I can't talk to the church about what I think about alcohol, I don't identify with my friends that think strip clubs are cool places to hang out. Most times, because of this, I end up alone.

So where do I find this community thing? Where do you find it? How do we become that for each other? The comments are yours.

An Accidental God

It is my thought that the absolute hardest thing about living life with God is being intentional about doing so.

Most days, I am aware of God. Keenly, in fact. However, it is on the same level in some cases as my keen awareness of oxygen around me. I'm very much aware (and thankful) for it as, without it, I would cease to be and function...

...At the same time, it's unlikely that I will pause in the midst of my day to get into deep reflection about the glories and unending splendor of breathing or even that there is still another breath for me to take.

So it is with God and the things of God. It seems to be more of an accident or a sudden jarring moment where I'm overwhelmed with enough gratitude to actually act upon it in a way that takes me out of my daily routine; it's something akin to a Final Fantasy limit break.

I wonder about things like this sometimes. It is okay that I feel like this? It almost seems like my relationship with God and its strength is accidental. I'm aware He's there and He's speaking and I even hear Him. It's not the disconnect that bothers me - there's none to speak of, but the "Oh yeah!..." before I say something like, "Thank You for..." As if the thank yous are fine china you only take out on special occasions.

I suppose part of it is God's goodness being assumed; since when does God do bad things? At the same time, the same thinking of just relying on God to be there as He always has is double-edged in that it can breed a dangerous tendency to take things for granted.

What do you think? The comments are yours.

You're Hurting Them

Yes you. Allow me to quote a verse that we talk about very often and completely manage to miss from Luke 6:38.

Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

For those of you who can't follow King James Shakespearean chatter:

“Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure—pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return.”

The point is in the bold print. This isn't God doing the pouring. This is God using men to do the pouring. People. Humans. Connections and relationships. In short, when we give what God asks of us, our return is that God grants us favor and we are blessed by what that favor returns to us which, according to the verse, will be far and above what we gave in the first place.

Yay.

However, today I walked down the street and I ran into a person I have had on my heart for a while. She explained that she is preparing to move to California because she can't find a computer monitor. This bothers me. Remember that I just say that the promise of God in this verse is that He will use people to bring resources and such into our lives by pouring out favor on us as we do what He asks. The inherent problem is that those people being called on to give to someone might be disobedient.

Translation: you may very well be holding up someone's God-given blessing because you're being stubborn. Stop it.

I have a monitor that I use for doing design work. It's awesome and very useful, but it's not like I can't afford another one. As such, I'm asking God to either move on the heart of someone to give her a monitor or clearly tell me to give her my own. In the latter case: dear disobedient person -- STOP IT. That is all.

Take a moment and see if God is speaking to you about giving someone something. Nevermind whether you feel that you can or not; if God is commanding you to do something, then it's something you can do. If He is commanding you to give something of yours, stop being a wuss and do it already. In case, you missed it, the blessing here is exponential. If someone gives and they are blessed with favor for their obedience, do you somehow think God will skip blessing you because you were being obedient? C'mon now. Look over your life.

You should know better.

The Church -- my Big Brother's lovely bride -- is suffering lack because we don't want to be involved or let go and that's foolishness. In giving to others and being otherwise obedient, we're really only helping ourselves and in doing anything other than that, we're shooting ourselves in the foot. I'm not saying that you need to go and find the first person that needs a car and give them yours or something outrageous, but don't ignore God tugging on your heart when you feel it, either. It makes people suffer when you do.

Family and Home

A few days ago, I picked up my phone and wrote to someone that I was struggling with things. The particulars aren't important, but I'll tell you what is important: they encouraged me. It started with scriptures and it always came back to them, but it wasn't being quoted at me. Instead, it was quoted to me. In grace. In love. It was a moment in which I could clearly understand why Jesus says that the feet of the people that bring the Gospel are to be counted as beautiful.

Reaching out to these people and their reaching out to me reminded me of a thirst and hunger for Family and Home. They reminded me that I'm not from here anymore and that being in this world and interacting with the people in it will blur that fact if I don't keep my wits about me. There was an inward thing that happened. I wanted to reclaim my soul. To fight back and not to give in. To remember Heavenly things. They never said those words, though; they just loved me and I knew it. That's the thing: I knew they loved me.

It brings me near tears to think about all of this. To be so close to giving up and to have friends that, without one word of condemnation, just snatch you back from the edge and walk you home... There's nothing better than that. If you have even one friend like that, it should be reason enough to weep with gratitude and I got contacted by two.

It really will change your life if it ever gets down in you that there you have someone in your life that really loves you and loves you in a way that the world as a whole cannot because of the One they don't know.

It also occurs to me that people reading up to this point have no idea what I'm talking about. You go to church and you never miss a service and you pray and you lead and everything and you don't know what I'm talking about. If you don't know what it's like to be in the midst of falling and know that there really are hands to catch you, I want to tell you to go and find that. I'll volunteer myself if you want; comment here and I'll give you some contact info.

This is the Body we have. We can run to it.
This is the God we serve. We are safe with Him.

For all of the damage she's suffered, this Bride of His is a beautiful one and more amazing to me all the time.

The Want To

There are many takes on this concept, but the hardest parts of this walk with God involve our will; that is, we struggle with knowing what to do and our feelings about those things.

I'll use myself as an example. For the last couple of weeks, I have had significant issues with a few people. Neverminding who they are, they have done some things that offend me. In other cases, they have just out-and-out wronged me. The bible says to forgive them. Seventy-times-seven times. Period. Not that we were even supposed to count that number in the first place, but the idea is that my forgiveness for them should be nearly infinite. That is hard because I have feelings in the way. I should, but I don't want to.

Ultimately, with God helping me, I will, but man, this is hard. Some days, I'd rather be in Egypt than to be responsible for carrying out this really difficult (but clearly not impossible) commands.

I Didn't Want To Go

I am in bed and struggling to even think of being awake let alone going to church. At the same time, I couldn't resist the call of the Spirit speaking to my own.

Get up. You have to go. It's time.

I fought anyway. I checked some stuff on facebook. Chatted with someone on Skype. Checked RSS feeds and emails. I turned over. It's Sunday. I don't have any reason to be awake and I don't feel like doing anything.

Get up. You promised Me. You hear Me speaking to You. I want You to go. Get up. Get. Up. GET. UP.

Okay, God. Okay. I don't know why or what for, but okay. I'm going.

I got to the Methodist church at the end of the street in about 20 minutes and walked in. Service had started and I settled in. They start talking about Ephesians 3:14-20 or so. Being filled with fulness of God. The thing I heard them praying before I walked in.

I sat down and listened and thought about what fullness meant. More than anything else, it means that there's no room for anything else. Fullness is fullness. There's no emptiness in it. Almost as if to echo the same thing, the pastor said the same thing in almost those exact words.

This Sunday was a communion sunday. I thought about all the things Paul said about communion. People were becoming sick and falling asleep because they abused communion. I thought about myself. When I took the bread (after much hesitation), I prayed.

God, sometimes I really look at this and wonder if I'm worth any of it. I'm certainly not deserving of any of it. Especially considering all the foolishness I've been prone to as of late and will probably fall into a day, week or hour from now. Thank you for loving me and calling me your own, anyway. Keep working on me. Even when I go kicking and screaming, the same way I came here today.

Then I took communion. It was a very small, calm, quiet church, but it was family. I felt at home. The people being welcoming and going out of their way to greet me helped with that.

I walked home with a visitor gift basket and thought about everything I heard today. I'm still thinking about it even as I sit here and occasionally swear at this mildly frustrating game I'm playing. He's still at work on me and He won't let me go until I'm full and there's no room for anything else in my life but Him.

To say the least, I'm encouraged by that.

I didn't want to go.... but I'm glad I did.

Around The Living Room Floor

"I like to believe in a merciful God and not a judging One..."

It started with this and the movie Chronicle. I can't remember every word, but I thought that, instead of just arguing the points, I'd follow each point and see where it leads as people spoke. Soon, the movie ended and was forgotten, but the conversation remained.

I'll write what was said as I remember it like this. I'll write my responses below that like this.

----


I like to believe in a merciful God and not a judging one.
Well, that's like saying you want to believe in an IRS that doesn't tax. The fact is that there is nothing wrong with God judging people. Condemning is another matter, but He could do that too. A tree is known by its fruit; if you're bearing fruit that says you're something that you don't want to be perceived as, then change your actions.


Some things can't be taken word for word.
Well, yeah, but then there are other things to consider.


Well, some people like to go "this is fact" and others like to go "this is not fact". How am I supposed to know...?
Raise your hand if you're jewish. Okay, so the early Law of the OT was given to the jewish people. We're not jewish so a lot of their laws do not apply. The Ten Commandments are universal; stealing is never okay, lying is never ok, and so on. But dietary laws, blending fabric, working on the sabbath... these are in another category of things that we are not subject to because we are not jewish. Things like wearing earrings don't matter because in this culture, it doesn't mean that we worship a particular God. In that time in the Bible, it did. Same with tattoos. Read Peter's dream in Acts. It tells you a similar thing. When the Gospel was brought to the gentiles, it was brought with as few restrictions as possible, but a strong foundation.


This is why I prefer science. It makes sense. At least they are humble about what they don't understand. Like the creation of the universe or other things.
Well, let's discuss this. So science can only speak to things that are observable and repeatable. It can't talk about morality or the creation of the universe. 


For the sake of the length of this particular point, I'll skip some of this convo and move to a particular point.

The thing about science is that it tells us what things are and even how they are, but it can't say anything more than that. The thing about religion and philosophy is that it starts to talk about you. What you should do. What you shouldn't. Science can't tell you premarital sex is wrong and you shouldn't be drunk on weekends. God can. We don't like that idea. It's too personal and we always become uncomfortable with these things.


Where do morals come from anyway?
Well, if I take something that belongs to you, then why do you become upset about it?
It's a survival instinct passed down from our ancestors.
Well, earlier we said that things evolve out of the system if they are necessary, right? In that case, what about this? What should offend me, scientifically, about having something of mine taken from me that isn't needed for my survival? Why am I upset when I discover I have been deceived? What explanation is there for this if these are genetic, inborn instincts?


Religion is dangerous to a people in terms of discovery and progress.
Interesting. Most inventors have been religious. The most noted person in the civil rights movement was a pastor. Most people felt that their ability to invent was a calling from God and that it should be followed through to the end. Religion could hamper progress in one way, however. Science, by its nature, does things simply because they can be done without questioning whether or not it should be. Religion questions this and may not make advances in certain areas, believing it wrong to step into areas that should be better left to God.



Totally annoyed with people saying that others are going to hell about things.
Well, yeah. I agree there. Only God should have that judgment and as such, I've left that with him.


Well, what about people that commit suicide?
Nothing in the text about it. Nothing that can even be interpreted that way. I'm not God to pass judgment on the people that have. Again, let's not put words in God's mouth.
Well, I heard that and other crazy things in church; in fact, that's why I don't go.
That's silly. I should avoid every drive thru, every grocery store, every place other people are if I'm going to not go somewhere just because someone said or did some nonsense.



This conversation went on for hours. Let me ask you: when was the last time you were comfortable enough in your faith in God to sit down with someone of faith or not and just have open conversations like these, following where they went with no intent other than the conversation?


The fact is, we plant seeds and God waters. Yes, I believe that God may give us the unction (a strong sense of knowing influenced by the Holy Ghost) to say something like "Repent and be saved", but most times, it's the small bits of conversation, the building of relationships, the random things that you do to redeem a moment after watching a movie.... I had five men drawn into conversation for two hours on this subject that they would never have spoken to on their own.

My final comment was to the atheist in the room: it's funny that of all the people you know and places you could live, you have moved into a house of religious people.


We talked about hitler, the crusades, the founding fathers, morality, where God came from, pondered whether evolution came first or creation, then worked out together and laughed for a while. This is the crux of Christian life and witness. Not that we have tally marks up to the ceiling of how many people we've spoken the message to, but how we influence people for the good, day by day, making converts and then disciples as we look at the world together.

Yes, disciples. Getting people saved and not discipling them means nothing.